Fun Stuff

Some of the funnies doing the rounds on the Internet. They've given us a laugh - we thought you might enjoy them too!

An Enquiry from West Africa: "'Before the death of my father on february2005 in a private hospital here in Nouadhibou he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has 15 TONS DRIED WHALE PENISES...' Our resident paleontologist, Dr Trev, doesn't normally interest himself in the penises of whales. They're a bit too fresh. However, he has agreed to attempt an approximation of how many individuals may have been castrated." Trevor Dykes examines one of the weirdest 419 scams yet...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?: GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
We're Doomed: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush, Jr.
How To Be A Good Wife: "Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed." Advice from a 1950s Home Economics textbook for schoolgirls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
Need Some Help?: Transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry: "Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline. "If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
US Election Results: "NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE - To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today." A British solution to the problems besetting US Presidential elections...
Jesus's Ethnicity: "There were three good arguments that Jesus was black: 1. He called everyone "brother"; 2. He liked Gospel; 3. He couldn't get a fair trial..."
You Don't Have To Be Mad...: Have you got a stupid boss? The following were submitted to a magazine in America from some rather bemused employees. We British wouldn't do such daft things - unless you know better.
Changing Faces: Fed up with the same old face staring back at you from the mirror each morning? Feel your image is letting you down in that important business interview?
Changing Faces 2: "Well, since we launched the FREE British Expat virtual makeover just a short while back we've been inundated with enquiries and requests. Someone was so enthusiastic about the possibilities he even sent us a photo of his dog! But in case any of you out there were feeling a little self-conscious or shy about applying for your own makeover, we thought you might like to read a few customer testimonials."
New Words: Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners
Proud to be British: "Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front." Cliff Palmer looks at some of the reasons why we should all be Proud to be British!
Puzzle: Shown above are four men buried up to their necks on the ground. They cannot move and can only look forward. Between A and B is a brick wall which cannot be seen through. They know that between them are four hats, two black and two white, but they do not know what colour they are wearing.
Hardest Quiz: Is this the world's easiest quiz, or not?
Royal Navy Fun: "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity." Excerpts from some completed S206 forms - the form used for Royal Navy and Royal Marines officer fitness reports.
How To Shower: "Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to light, darks, whites, manmade or natural. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen on the way - cover up any exposed flesh and run into bathroom." How women and men shower...
Funny Signs: "In a Tokyo hotel: 'Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not to read notice.'" Signs from around the world.
It's A Sin: "In case you have to travel in any of the countries below, here's a few things you need to know. These are real laws from around the world (or so we're told)..." Some bizarre laws!
Ode To Spell Checkers: "I have a spelling checker/I disk covered four my PC./It plane lee marks four my revue/Miss steaks aye can knot see." Mr Tim brakes into verse to tell us how grate spell chequers are.
Squiff's Guide To London: "One day I took my life in my hands and headed for the bright lights of England's fair capital. Here are a few pointers to any of you brave souls who may be thinking of doing the same. Some useful phrases are included for our colonial friends..." A guide to London for the first time visitor.
Strange Coincidences: Have a history teacher explain this - if they can! Some bizarre coincidences surrounding assassinated US Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy.
Tourist Advice: This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline "Advice For Tourists". By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people....
A Dose Of Zen: "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone." Some pearls of Zen advice for modern living...
Moon Hoax Song: "That grainy footage shown on TV/ At one time actually convinced me/ But how do we really know?/ Because Walter Cronkite told us so?" Canadian comic Dave Hook debunks the Apollo landings - in song!
Moon Hoax Song: GerryL replies to the Moon Song - also in verse!
Life the Romanian Way: "Being an expat from Blighty and now running a bed-and-breakfast just outside Pitesti for about 18 months, I've had the pleasure of sampling most of the delights the way of life has to offer here..." Alex Campbell takes a wry look at life in Romania!