It's Been A Busy Week

by Phil McCollum

You just can't imagine how busy this week has been for me. First it was Queen Victoria trying to break the door down because she wanted access to the website. To see that woman in her full splendour screaming and bashing away at my door was quite frightening. She was there though, her bustle expanding with every whimper from me. I tried to hide under a chair near my bed. She was demanding to get at the website and I was paralysed with fear.

Next, a very creepy man in the loft took over the website (really you can't believe how scary this guy was – urgh, I can still picture him), manipulating it by using a cardboard eagle. The eagle was brightly coloured, pretty much like a penguin, but even if you are a Linux fan, I don't think you'd be keen on that guy. Whooo, he was an odd one.

Then I had a few so-called holidays. I was careering through downhill canals in Havana.(?) After the shipwreck, I ended up battling through tunnels in India. You need certain passwords to get through these otherwise you can forget it – you'll be dead. Every time I was supposed to be somewhere, I ended up somewhere else.

At one stage I was somewhere in America and left my school blazer on a bus. A charming schoolboy, called Dorrian Simpson, ran off after the bus to rescue my blazer but I never saw him again because I got lost in the back alleys of an emporium. Coincidentally, I found some of my own stuff in there, and a new poem someone had written for me, but my main concern was how to get back to my lodgings.

You've probably guessed by now, it's all just dreams. But they can seem real at the time. I wonder why most of mine are about websites, losing things, and getting lost? Sometimes I think that the dream world is like a parallel universe where we lead different lives. No doubt scientists would say that's just rubbish and explain that the phenomenon is to do with REM (Rapid Eye Movement – not the pop group).

Ah well, at least I know where to go for help if I need it...