Mike's Shed

Each month Mike of Clark In The Park fame writes a preamble to his column. Although time moves on and seasons change, this writing is evergreen so we thought we'd store it in Mike's Shed. (Strange place for evergreens but we couldn't think of a better title and we don't have another T-shirt to give away.) You can have a potter around here and escape from the fast lane for a while. Relax...


May 2002

I Know I'm Late

Last month I celebrated my British Expat first birthday. I can be excused a wee hangover, surely.

Anyway, I am still reeling from the shock of UK telly instant gardening programmes giving way to real, hands-on, back-to-basics stuff courtesy of Titchmarsh.

I know I wittered on about this last month, and by now you're all bored to tears. But to me, it is something of GREAT SIGNIFICANCE.

Gardening, as the editor sez on the periphery of the home page, is the new rock 'n' roll. But in recent years our telly has taken this popularity beyond extremes by promoting make-overs and instant gardening solutions which the average punter cannot achieve. Or in fact can only achieve by spending vast sums of money bringing in landscape contractors. Many of whom, it has to be said, have origins traceable back only to the beginning of this particular revolution, and cannot tell a root from a shoot.

Doubtless, if the next telly-promo is loft conversions, these same people will re-incarnate as loft conversion specialists.

Call me old fashioned if you like, but I sleep easier at nights knowing there is now at least one television gardening programme which considers things like soil enrichment, how plants grow, and how to Do Gardening Yourself.

However, just in case you think I'm changing my spots and writing in praise of Titchmarsh, I do have a reservation.

But you'll have to read to the end to find out what it is.

Anyway, I must give credit where it's due.

Like all struggling writers, I pick up snippets overheard, and convert them and use them unacknowledged.

But I am indebted to my friend and neighbour, George, a master of one-liners and understatements, for this little gem.

George appeared on Sunday forenoon, looking a bit rough, and for coffee.

The latter duly provided, I asked if he had been out last night.

"Cheese and wine," he croaked, from somewhere behind the dark glasses.

"Good night?" I enquired.

"Didn't have enough cheese," he groaned.

March 2002

Let's Party!

Not because I'm snowed in again.

Nor because the new Titchmarsh prog, which hasn't even started yet, is already accused of emulating the Delia effect.

(Of which more later - to a cynical gardening columnist, stuff like this is Heaven-sent.)

Not even because, after a difficult year, I have so much work on I can hardly find time to put digit to keyboard.

Nope.

None of these.

Okay, you haven't noticed.

I am one year old this month.

On Britishexpat, that is.

Now it gets really difficult. Senility kicks in, and I can already feel a tendency to repeat myself.

Now it gets really difficult. Senility kicks in, and I can already feel a tendency to repeat myself.

Yep, now it gets really . . .

Oh well, the old jokes are always the . . . most repeated.

I can hardly believe that a full year has passed since the McMahon Mafia planted a severed haggis head in my bed.

I've woken up with worse. In fact I do, regularly. At least on that occasion the said haggis head acted as a buffer between my nostrils and the fetid breath of the geriatric JR, who despite my protestations, manages, in cold winter nights, to end up under the duvet with only the nostrils showing.

So I took the threat seriously, and have scribed diligently for a year.

So tonight we party.

Join me.

Join me now, before you are forced to watch the new Titchy prog (BBC1 in the UK, coming very soon, no doubt, to your part of the globe).

"How to be a Gardener". Gimme strength.

How do flowers flower? Alan will tell you.

Where do aphids come from? Alan will tell you.

Why do bears sh*t in the woods? Alan will . . . well, b*gger Alan, this is a cue for an anniversary joke.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking nonchalantly down the road, when she spotted the Big Bad Wolf behind a tree. She ran up to the BBW (erm . . . these initials may have a different meaning to some of you - Hajo will explain. Pay attention! Scroll up two lines and get back to the joke.)

Yes, she ran up to the BBW and said, "My, what big eyes you've got."

(We must make allowances for the fact that this is a fairy tale, and fairies are notorious for their abuse of grammatical English. I guess "My, you have very big eyes" has less appeal.)

The BBW scowled, and ran off into the night.

A little way further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood again espied the BBW, crouched behind a bush.

"My," she said, "What big teeth you've got."

The BBW glowered briefly, and ran off into the night.

Some way further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood spotted the BBW, hunched up behind a road sign.

"My, what . . ."

"Just feck off, missus. Can't you let a wolf have a sh*t in peace?"

Anyway, even before screening, Alan's new prog has had the Delia effect. Garden Centres are complaining - yes, complaining - that every product the name of which escapes from those revered lips, will be hunted down in such quantities by this gullible public that said GCs will be swamped with more demand than they have product to satisfy.

Would that I had such a dilemma.

Anyone with the right contacts in the right places care to draw the legendary Alan's attention to a certain website, and a certain gardening column lurking within?

More by Mike Clark: Garden gate - links to all Mike's other writing on this site!

We also have a friendly discussion forum. Try our Clark in the Park board to discuss gardening related subjects, share gardening info, or ask a question. You'll need to register to join in but it's free and it only takes a minute.

Published by British Expat Ltd © 2000-2009 All rights reserved

Your use of this site constitutes acceptance of our Terms & conditions
Privacy policy | Security policy | Morality policy | Advertising policy | Contact us